I’ve been debating whether to post anymore. I’ve been pretty depressed about my situation lately. The baby is officially due and aside from some painless pre-labor contractions, he is still settled in snugly for as long as possible.
There haven’t been many patients for the evening shift, so I’ve barely been working. Only about 12 hours two weeks ago and 7 hours last week. Today I’m officially only maternity leave with no baby to show for it. My type of work doesn’t allow me to pop in as available, so I guess I’m done until August.
People tell me to relax and enjoy the time off, but I’ve had too much of that. I’ve watched a ton of TV and movies while resting and knitting. I’ve sewed, shopped, re-organized, and cleaned. I’ve had three massages. I’ve taken Jem for walks and met Ben at his office for lunch. The worst part is being home alone for so much time.
I also feel pressured to get the birth over. Everyone is anxious about it, even my neighbor. My friends are moving in two days so now they probably won’t get to meet our baby. My family is likely to visit this weekend and I’m worried I’ll have no one to show them. Of course, no one is actually mean about it, and all give me encouragement and understanding that he’ll probably be late. Meanwhile, I’m chewing through my maternity leave, cutting down on time I’ll actually get to spend with the baby. Every morning I wake up and see my giant belly and feel like a failure.
Waiting waiting waiting.
The weekend was really nice. Ben took me to Boulder to hang out. Then yesterday he took me to the foothills to walk around and picnic. Here’s a shot of my big bad 40 week self. But now that I’m back to the weekly grind, I don’t know what I’ll do to keep busy. I already did the dishes, swept the floors, took Jem around the block, re-organized the baby clothes, emptied my google reader, and blogged, and it’s only 10:30. Waiting waiting waiting.
Oh man. That totally sucks. But don't feel like a failure. I'm thinking about you.
“Every morning I wake up and see my giant belly and feel like a failure.”
Me too, but different reasons. 🙂
You're my heroine. Hang in there. For what it is worth, I'm thinking about you as well.
Take care!
Well, you could come keep me company while I pack up my classroom Wednesday.
Or join me for baptisms for the dead Wednesday night (imagine the testimony meeting stories you could tell if your water breaks while you're in the font! Hysterical!)
Or you can go out to lunch with me Thursday.
Or you can read the whole Twilight series. Your laughter at the ridiculous expectations a whole generation of teenage girls now has for their relationships might trigger contractions!
Or you can take yourself to the movies. Plural.
Or you and I can go see a matinee on Thursday. After we do lunch.
Or you can teach yourself Thai and then teach it to me.
Or you can teach Jem to carry dirty diapers from upstairs to the dumpster.
Or you can choreograph next year's musical. Since we haven't picked it yet, you should probably just choreograph a whole bunch of shows. Start with the Charleston from “The Boyfriend”. That should encourage laborings.
I'll let you know when I think of more things for you to do.
Okay well now I'm crying. Also, your legs are still skinny.